Reflections: thoughts by jade

Giddy teenaged-style emotions

2011-08-30T19:19:00.000-07:00

I never thought I would say this about this particular situation...

I got the girl!

It was a process that took a while, but it paid off. Back in March you may recall that I posted about being in love. She's my friend's cousin, and I hardly knew her a year ago. But she's wonderful and sweet and (if I may say so) awfully easy on the eyes. It was largely because of those things that I thought it was unlikely that we'd ever feel the same way about each other, and so it took forever for me to get up the guts to say anything. It didn't help that she's really religious and the idea of being in a relationship with another girl is usually quite challenging for a Christian girl...

It was Canada Day (July 1st, for those who don't know) when I finally worked up the courage to hint at how I felt, and then the next day I had her and her cousin over for "lupper" (mid-afternoon meal) and laid it all out. I still don't know where the courage came from, because I was terrified, particularly because I have never been the one to express interest first, especially not to a girl (this is still only a few years old to me). She was very gracious and flattered, but she told me she did not see herself being in a relationship with me. I sort of just thanked her for her honesty and carried on being good friends with her.

It wasn't until nearer to August that the two of us began having these really brutally honest conversations about what we wanted in life and I started to realize that her primary problem with being in a relationship with me wasn't the "me" part, but rather the fact that I'm a girl. So finally, after weeks of her telling me it wasn't an option, she came over for dinner one night in August and we had the conversation that ended in us deciding to give it a try. It was a beautiful night. We curled up on my couch, her head on my chest as she just fell asleep in my arms. I simply didn't want to wake her up to put her in a proper bed, but I did, and then we slept.

Since then, it's been slightly turbulent on account of the fact that we don't know what the hell we're doing! But the common thread through every moment of our interaction is this tremendous affection and respect we have for one another. It's really beautiful, and somehow (perhaps because it began that way and presumably will end that way, if at all) we've managed to be completely honest throughout our relationship, even about things we'd really rather not have to talk about. It's really beautiful.

I'm not sure how it's going to turn out, but I know that for the time being, I'm happy. Really, really happy.

I got the girl!

Keeping busy

2011-03-19T07:37:00.000-07:00

That's what I've been doing! School has been so busy that "hectic" is a better word for how I've been feeling, but at the same time, it's keeping me (mostly) out of trouble, which isn't usually a bad thing!

I've recently gotten into making art, thanks to one of my new favourite people (we joke that she's my future wife). She's artistic and lovely and she's taught me how to make my horribly disorganized creative thoughts into things that are at least modestly pretty. I'm a work in progress, but learning is a nice process to be in the middle of.

Illuminate is apparently looking for poetry and photography, if anyone is interested in pitching in. I'll be helping out, so you know it's the cool thing to do! haha :)

Where on earth does the time go?

Cyanide

2011-03-05T13:25:00.000-08:00

I sweated acid.
Down my brow it carved a path
And settled on the chin.
I wept cyanide,
Provoked by illegal plays,
And it poisoned my very soul.
Jagged fingernails
Tore at the roughest skin,
Left it raw, bleeding, incomplete.
Far too much blood
Seeped from beneath my defenses
And chased away the poison.

The Unrequited Love Affair

2011-03-04T19:15:00.000-08:00

I think I'm in love.

The last time I said that, I think I was talking about my new house..? But I'm serious this time. I'm fairly confident that the object of my affection does not feel the same way about me, but somehow I just don't care. It doesn't really matter, I'm learning, when you actually love someone. Just being around them makes you feel all happy and giddy, and one thing I know is that both of us feel pleasant when we're around each other. And some day, I might work up the guts to say something, even if it just results in getting shot down. At least I'll know I didn't go all my life without knowing, which is sometimes much more painful than flat-out rejection.

I have about 17 projects in the works, ranging from knitting a blanket to writing a novel to finishing my stats exam. And the poetry is really flowing. I'm wounded, and it's helping me fix myself, I think.

I have a new roommate, who is Austrian and lovely and throws into sharp relief the disaster of a situation my life was in only weeks ago.

I have a lot to be thankful for right now.

Mirrors

2011-02-11T12:36:00.000-08:00

She told me I was wrong.
Angry words spoken
Through a sheet of glass
Fell on weary ears,
Never advancing, only heating.
With shiny eyes,
Like mirrors more than windows,
She dealt death lightly.
I became empty, without thought,
Only action.
She told me I was wrong
And she was right.

Can you believe it?!?!

2010-12-29T07:00:00.000-08:00

I'm actually posting! *cheers* I'm really proud of myself. Like, really.

This semester has been absolutely insane, but in a good way! From getting only 3-4 hours sleep most nights (0 hours some nights!) to single-handedly raising well over $2000 for cancer research and having almost every one of my 44 students pass their Spanish class, I feel like the semester has been an achievement and a half. I even got a decent mark in both of the classes I'm taking (who would have thunk it??).

Jokes aside, I love being busy, so I've thrived this semester. But I've also neglected this poor little blog. That's why around Christmastime--when I'm neither teaching nor learning--I'm trying to catch up with my online life a little. I missed it. Mostly, I missed you!

So...what's happened since I last posted? Maybe I should do this by months...

September. My third roommate Stewart moved into my house, and it turns out I like the kid. He smokes a little more weed than I'd like, but he's good-natured, does his chores and pays his rent on time, and what more can you ask for in a roommate? And I started my classes. I was taking 2 classes and teaching 3 (a very heavy workload, if you're not familiar with what's involved in teaching). This was the period where I literally did not get more than 4 hours sleep on any given night for about a month. I also started a fundraising campaign for the local Cancer Foundation, with a goal to raise a few thousand dollars for them, and also to cut off my hair (which, for those who don't know, was over 3 feet long) so it could be made into wigs for children who've lost their hair to cancer treatments. I set my birthday (December 12th) as the deadline.

October. One of my very good friends, Bettina, got married! I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to make the wedding cake and they were just tickled pink with it, which (of course) tickled me pink as well! I also took a trip to New York City for the first time, and it was absolutely amazing! Mariana began to make it obvious that she doesn't like Stewart and doesn't feel like she has to be courteous to him. Things like ignoring him when he speaks to her and leaving him nasty notes when he does something she doesn't like began to happen about now.

November. The shit hit the fan with me and Mariana. We had a very ugly argument and I decided she was not someone I want in my life anymore. She cried and ranted and I (impressively sternly) told her to either stop talking to me or move out. So she's still here, thankfully leaving me the hell alone now, but the first month was very dramatic. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't counting down the days until she moves out!

December. My famous birthday party, where I cut off my hair. It's really short now. Think Emma Watson's new hair. I'm absolutely loving it! (I can shower in 2 minutes now!) I managed to raise $2370 for the Cancer Foundation, which is not too shabby! I've finished my classes, and just completed marking the exams, and I'm happy to say that almost every single one of my 44 students has passed! (With some students, there was never any hope, because they just don't care. But everyone who WASN'T one of those passed!) I also had a huge Christmas gathering at my place, with my whole family (that's 16 people!) coming over for a turkey dinner and a gay old time. It was amazing. I even got to hold my baby cousin!

That's the past few months in a nutshell. Next up: a New Year's party on Friday at my place and maybe finding a part-time job in the New Year. I'm only teaching one class this semester, which is a significant pay cut, and yet my rent remains the same. Unless I'd like to go hungry, I feel like a little additional income is a good idea!

I feel a little stressed out about my finances, but really, I've never been more content with where I am in my life. And I look like a boy now, but I feel so much more womanly than ever before--how does that work, exactly?! Things are good, and I hope things are also good for all of you.

I hope you've all had a wonderful Christmas, and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

People who do and people who don't

2010-08-28T21:23:00.000-07:00

Mariana finally moved in on Thursday evening. We've been friends for 10 years or something, and I don't think there's anyone who knows either of us better than we know each other, save for perhaps our families.

She's not the industrious type and never has been. I've sort of gotten used to it, because for years now her idea of me coming over to visit consisted of us sitting on her couch and her watching TV. (I don't like TV in general.) When she visited my house, I always tried to be a good host, offering her things to do like playing games, heading down the street to the park to play frisbee, cooking something that she always said she'd like to learn how to cook, etc. But usually we ended up watching a movie or something. And I'm realizing that there are people in this world who do (who like to never sit still) and people who don't (who would rather just not do anything).

Mariana is someone who doesn't.

Living with someone like that is very different from being friends with them. When you're friends with them, you suck it up while you're together and then when you go home, you just do all the things you've been aching to do while you were with them. But when they are home, it makes it difficult. And it makes it impossible to get them to help you with things around the house that need to be done, because they don't really...do anything.

Yesterday I was up at 7am. I went into the kitchen and--as quietly as possible--ate a quick breakfast and started doing things around the kitchen. She didn't have much space in the fridge, so I thought I'd make space. That involved making some soup to get rid of some vegetables. Then, while it was cooking, I found the rest of some cookie dough in the fridge from her favourite cookies that I made on Thursday for her arrival, so I baked the rest of them up. By that time, I had a fair number of dishes, so I put away the ones in the dish rack and washed the new ones. The dishwasher was full but hadn't be run, so I did that. The living room was messy, so I tidied it. I took the linens out of the drier and put them in the linen closet.

At 10:30 my friend comes downstairs. She goes in the fridge, cooks herself hotdogs for breakfast (nutritious, much?), and goes to put something in the garbage. She says to me, "You need to put the garbage out. It's getting full."

I let her have it in no uncertain terms. I told her it was very nice of her to sleep in until 10:30 and then come downstairs and bark orders at the person who's been trying to keep busy all morning. She told me she'd been up for hours because I (very cruelly) woke her up, and that she'd been doing all sorts of things upstairs. But they're all personal grooming things (which, last time I checked, didn't count as doing any real work, and certainly don't benefit anyone but her). And yet she thought it was appropriate to tell me to take the garbage out when I hadn't even taken a break to shower yet. Rich.

She wanted to work out the problem with the TV in her room, so she called the cable company. While on hold, she devoured several of the cookies I'd made this morning and told me about how she should stay busy so she's not thinking about her ex-boyfriend all the time. I offered some suggestions of things that had to be done. This included vacuuming, which she offered to do on Thursday night. (When she moved in, all of her stuff was covered in dust and my floor had been spotless, but now it looks awful and the landlady is coming tomorrow.) She proceeded to lie down on the couch and stare at the ceiling. "I'll do it later."

She told me she had to go to the mall to make a return, and that I should come with her and show her around the new neighbourhood and such. I agreed. I had to have a quick shower, so I did. When I had dressed, I went to her room and told her I was ready to go, to which she replied, "But Arthur is on. Can you give me half an hour?" Trying to be patient, I went back to my room and started killing time. I didn't want to start anything major so that in half an hour we could just leave, rather than listening to her complain at me for holding her up some more. But half an hour came and went. After about an hour, I knocked on her door and discovered she had fallen asleep. She tells me she has to do her makeup still, which will only take her half an hour.

So finally, at about 1:30, more than an hour and a half after I got in the shower, we finally left the house. At the mall, she couldn't make her return because she had forgotten one of the parts at home.

We get home and she puts on more hotdogs, because her aunt is bringing her two kids over and supposedly they like hotdogs. She asked me to join them and I felt strange saying no because her aunt is so wonderful, so I agreed to. When auntie got there, Mariana showed her around the house and in the mean time, the hotdogs were boiling over and making an unholy racket on the stove, so I had to watch them for her. 15 minutes later, she's still in her room with her little cousin playing guitar. I set the table and get everything out, and as soon as I sit on the couch to read, she comes down with her aunt, who's the one who said, "Oh my God, I'm so sorry, is there anything I can do? Thank you so much for doing everything..." The boys don't want hotdogs, so we eat and they play. And afterwards, her aunt is trying to do the dishes, so I have to practically wrestle them out of her hands and do them myself, because Mariana is still on the living room floor with her cousin.

When the troop goes home, I try to mention to her gently that the floor was considerably neater before she arrived and I'm a little embarrassed for the landlady to see it for the first time like this, especially when the whole time before she got there I worked so hard to keep it spotless. My friend gets touchy and tells me my idea of clean is exaggerated and that all it needs is a sweep, which she'll do if I really think this is dirty. I tell her it is. She says, "Fine, I'll sweep." She goes upstairs and starts watching TV. The living room is also full of her stuff that needs unpacking, but when I try to tell her, "touchy" is an understatement. At this point, I think I may have to physically force her to do something.

It's driving me crazy. I just don't get how people can sit in front of a TV all day and not feel like they're accomplishing nothing with their life. She's been surly with me since she got here, which I can't help but think has a lot more to do with her than with me. It's bad for the morale to feel useless, and with the number of constructive things she's doing (which is zero), she surely must feel useless. Or at least I would.

Our third roommate is a guy. She wasn't happy about it because she told me it would be difficult to get him to share the housework. Interesting, that.

I need him before the two of us kill each other.

Relief is an understatement!

2010-08-25T18:08:00.000-07:00

I've finally found someone to rent the room in my house to, which I'm really happy about. It's not a short or painless process, contrary to popular opinion, so thank goodness I wasn't left hanging. I feel good about this. (Although, knowing how horribly ungrateful I am, I haven't ruled out the possibility that I'll be whining about my new roommate in a matter of weeks. haha)

I'm going to chop all my hair off. I have really thick hair, right past my bum and they could make a whole lot of wigs for women less fortunate than I. I've already contacted the local cancer foundation or whatever, and I'll see if I can get people to sponsor me as well. Maybe raise a few thousand dollars. Cancer is a son of a bitch and there's no reason I shouldn't be doing everything I can to stop it before it gets me, too. It can do no harm to help them out, and it's something I'd like to do.

On a related note, I have one hell of a headache. I was talking to my friend the other day, who used to have really long hair, and she told me it was probably from the weight of all my hair. I've had long hair for so long (since I was about 12) that I don't even think about it and certainly didn't realize it was the reason for my headaches. Hmm. This idea is looking better and better!

I still have food left from the party. Good grief, did they ever bring a lot of it! The plus side is that I won't have to go grocery shopping for at least a couple of weeks.

Mariana gets here tomorrow. I can't wait to see her again, and have company in this house that isn't the I-never-stop-talking woman. I miss Mariana. She's moving in tomorrow and I also scheduled girls' night for tomorrow...am I ever smart. We'll hope we can do both relatively painlessly, because neither party will be happy with me if I muck up their evening!

I'm in need of a shower. :)

I think I've finally recovered!

2010-08-23T18:37:00.000-07:00

The party was definitely not for the faint of heart, but it was fun nonetheless. I ended up with only about 15 people in my house, for which I was grateful, because I've never heard that few people make so much noise! Amazingly, none of the neighbours sent the cops over, which is particularly surprising when popping all the balloons the morning after sounds remarkably like gunfire...

It took me all day yesterday to clean the house (mostly it was just a matter of scraping the cake smears off my living room floor because my friends very awesomely took down the decorations and loaded the dishwasher before they left). They were here till almost 2am, at which point I resolved to make the kitchen at least somewhat presentable before going to bed, because who wants to wake up to that, really? So a little after 3 it was finally bedtime. I was up again at 8 because Jade is incapable of sleeping once it's light outside.

This morning the house was spotless. I was impressed, to be honest. And there's a reason it was so clean: viewings. Three of them. One at 12, one at 3 and one at 7:30 this evening. The first was (as I expected) horrible. First of all, he was a he. Second of all, he was old and creepy. A definite "no". The second one was also a he, but at least he was young (only 23) and seemed nice. He also seemed really eager, so I have a feeling that if none of the women we interview expresses interest, he'll take it in a heartbeat. It's nice to know. The third was a girl, 28 years old and working full-time nearby. She was nice, but there was just something about her...I can't put my finger on it. She felt uncomfortable to be around, somehow, and I don't know why. In any case, her response was essentially "If I can't find a better place and the room's still available, I might take it." So I guess she's also a "no". But if nothing else, I'm getting better at showing the place.

There are three more coming tomorrow as well. I've got a girl at 3:30 and two girls at 4pm, all of which sound promising.

Let's hope tomorrow yields better results than today!

Pardon me while I brace myself...

2010-08-20T20:10:00.000-07:00

...because tomorrow is my friend's birthday and the party is at my place. And there is going to be an awful lot of young people arriving at my house with sickening amounts of alcohol. The playlist even consists of the most blatant dance music possible (think Sexy Back and In Da Club), so I've a feeling this is going to get...interesting. But hey, if it turns out to be my first glorified kegger, at least it'll be an experience.

I've made industrial quantities of food to feed the army that's going to be here tomorrow, but I've a feeling we won't need it because we'll be having a liquid supper. Anyone who wants to come over for dinner on Sunday to help me eat the leftovers is more than welcome. Ha.

You know, I've been trying to find someone to rent the extra room in my house to, and I've had a couple of decent people contact me. It's pretty exciting, really. What's not exciting is the creepy old man who contacted me to arrange a viewing. (Did my skin crawl? You bet.)

That being said, I do have a random woman sleeping on my couch. It's a strange and long story, but if you want the short version, she was in dire need of a place to stay and I'm a nice person, apparently. (Who'd have thought it? Ha.) She's given me $100 for a week, which I think is reasonable, considering I didn't even expect to have anyone rent until September. Her week is over in the morning and she's found a place, so she'll be gone then.

To be honest, I'm a little relieved she's leaving. I thought I'd be happy to have company, because I've been living all alone since the 1st of August and I'd started feeling a little lonely. But she must be even more lonely than me or something, because she never stops talking. Ever. It takes me 2 hours to eat each meal because she just wants to talk for an hour after breakfast and dinner (she's gone every day for lunch) and I feel really mean and rude to just blow her off and walk away. I wanted to sit on my own couch and read the other night, because she was also reading at the kitchen table, and she still talked to me non-stop until I gave up on reading.

She's a very nice girl, but it will be much quieter without her.

Wish me luck for tomorrow!

The smell of home

2010-08-11T18:58:00.000-07:00

I wrote this poem quite a few years ago. It wasn't much even at the time, but the idea still holds true, at least for me:

Hurrying cars speed home.
She walks, slowly,
Trudging her feet.
The day was stormy,
The work hard,
The hours draining of the mind.

The constant buzzing of downtown.
How it makes her head pound!
She trips,
The pavement decorating her knee
With the body's war paint.
The metallic smell makes her eyes burn.

Onto the bus.
The ogre just grunts at her pass
And the smile flees from her lips in fear.

Opening the door,
Stepping inside,
She drops her bag.
Inhaling deeply,
The fragrance of gingerbread fills her.
The taste of Home.
A smile.
And she knows she will be alright
By tomorrow.

I baked almost all day today and the house--my house--smells like cinnamon and brown sugar. There's just so much comfort in things that are homemade.

When people got married, we used to make food. When people died, we used to make food. When our children had a day off school, we used to make food with them. We've lost that. Now we buy food. Our idea of baking with our children is a canister of our favourite Pillsbury cookies, pre-formed into little portions, if you're lucky.

Something's happened to us. We simply don't care anymore. We don't care that there's something soulful, something spiritual about doing things ourselves. There's a healing quality to good, old-fashioned work. At the end of it, when we've done the work, we can stand back and enjoy the fruits of our (real) labour. There's nothing worth celebrating about frozen food or pre-shaped cookies.

Today the girls came over and we had girls' night, like we do every week. This week it was a pasta with spinach on the menu. I offered to pick up some spinach and my friend insisted it was OK, because she already had some. She arrived with frozen spinach. I didn't know such a thing existed. If that weren't enough, between the other four girls who were cooking with me, none of them could efficiently peel a clove of garlic because they'd never done it. These are intelligent women with university degrees, the lot of them. They live on their own (or with partners) and cook on a relatively regular basis. And yet they were defeated by garlic, all of them.

I think I'm a rare breed, because I was the only one in the room who knew what she was doing. I don't blame young people for not knowing things if they were never taught them, but surely at some point we need to stop and look at what we're doing. At some point we need to realize we're missing out on the joy of the simple things in our little pre-packaged "paradise".

Now excuse me, I have to get back to my knitting...

Power vs. influence

2010-08-07T18:48:00.000-07:00

There was an incident at my University last year that made me start thinking of people in positions of power differently. Someone who is pretty high up at my school (I won't mention names) basically used his position of power to oppress a student who had an opinion that wasn't convenient to the administration. It got me wondering if it's possible to have such a position and not let the power corrupt you.

Only a nerd like me would liken real life to the Lord of the Rings, but the things Tolkien wrote about are so real-life at the end of the day. Denethor basically steals the throne and basks in the glory of it while his people (not to mention his family life) go out the window. And then there's Aragorn. He doesn't want to be king, he doesn't think he can do it, and he would be content to live a simple life with the elven wife for all of his days. And yet when he came to grips with his place on the throne, he was an amazing king, the kind of person that others looked at and wanted to emulate. They didn't feel scared of him or controlled by him. He ruled by influence.

I once knew a man like that. His name was Joe. He was the head of a company I used to work for (let's just say I was about 10 ranks below him) and he was maybe the kindest, most caring and compassionate person I'd ever met. But he was also passionate about what he did. He was a positive person. He believed in touching people's lives instead of living in a mansion and laughing at those who were less fortunate than he was. Everyone in the company wanted to be like Joe, and yet none of us felt intimidated by him. It helped that he was the first to get his hands dirty whenever the chance arose.

It seems like Joe was a rare breed. As much of a cliche as this is, power really does corrupt people. Seriously. It leads teachers to fail students "just because I can". It makes cops instigate arguments with innocent bystanders and then arrest them when they talk back. But when all's said and done, as scared as we may be of people who abuse their power, none of us really want to be like them. Why? Because what they have isn't real. Power comes and goes, and when the power is gone and you've got nothing left to show for it, that's a really miserable place to be.

The guy who runs my university scares me. And with that fear, I have an intense dislike (perhaps even hatred) for him because of the things he's done. He stands for awful things and yet he's running the best-respected University in my city. So people who attend the University have two options: they leave the University and go elsewhere (out of town, if they can afford it), where their education will still be considered inferior because it's not from the best school available; or they can get an education from a University where ruling with an iron fist is acceptable, and where the administration presumably hopes to pop out a whole generation of people who essentially accept authority figures as gods who need to be feared.

Tenure is a funny thing. Professors work really hard, typically for a decade or two, to get it. During that time, they're under really close scrutiny so that if they give the University any excuse to be scared of them, they can throw them off the "tenure track". So the idea is that once you've behaved long enough to get tenure, basically you've been trained to behave for the rest of your career. You've been trained to think, feel, and discuss only things that are convenient to the University. But here's the great thing: once you have tenure, you're untouchable. You can't be fired. Even if you publish a book on how the President of the University is terrorizing the student population with his dictator-like system.

By the time you have tenure, you're pretty unlikely to need it. At least that's what the Universities believe. (Hell, maybe they're right.)

I chose to do my Ph.D, dictator president or not. I plan to teach at a University. I will get tenure, of course, because I will find a way to be a well-behaved employee who supports the values of the University where I teach.

But once I've got tenure, I'm going to have a whole lot to say. And if I become anything like Joe (which I really hope is what happens), the people in charge may just have something to worry about.

I'm in love.

2010-08-04T09:11:00.000-07:00

With my new place, that is.

I moved in on Saturday, more or less without a hitch. My friends are amazing. I bought them lunch because I wanted to do something for them as a "thank you" but it just didn't do them justice. They're just so awesome.

I'm still unpacking, but only in my room. The kitchen and living/dining room are all under control and I've even got my cable and internet and phone and such hooked up. I was without internet and phone (and cable, but I don't watch TV--it's just for my roommate) for almost 4 days. It's amazing how disconnected from the world, even your real-life world, you feel when you don't have a phone and internet. I didn't talk to my mother for 3 days and she lives a 15-minute drive away. By the third I had to visit, so I went over unannounced and almost missed her! All this to say: internet and phone, I love you!

Girls' night is tonight at my new place! I made some veggie chili (one of my friends is a vegetarian) and it smells divine. It's the first time I made it and I didn't use a recipe, so I'm glad it smells so good!

Speaking of vegetarians, I'm almost becoming one lately. I've been to the grocery twice and both times I got quite a lot of stuff, and neither time did I buy meat. The closest thing I have is canned tuna fish, and that's because it's cheap and good for sandwiches. Mostly, I've been eating eggs and nuts and beans for protein, which is healthy enough that I should be pretty proud of myself, really.

Yesterday I got this brilliant idea. There's a grocery about a 15-minute walk from my house and they have President's Choice stuff (it's like a generic brand but better, and they have PC Points and stuff). I have a PC bank account, so if I pay with my debit card then I get PC Points, which eventually get you free groceries and such. Pretty straightforward, right? Well, I got a coupon a few days ago that said if I spent over $100 on groceries there and pay with my PC bank card, I got 10,000 bonus PC Points. My brainy idea was to write down everything I need and get it all in large quantities so that I'm all set for a while, and that way it would be over $100 but worth it. The only problem is that I don't have a car. So I set off with my backpack and 3 cloth grocery bags and went through the grocery and got huge things (among them was a 22lb bag of flour). I worked out everything in my head and it turns out that all together, I ended up getting about 80lbs of food to lug home. Needless to say, the usual 15-minute walk became more like 30 minutes because I had to stop and put everything down every 20 yards because I was sure I'd drop it all otherwise!

It was a workout and a half and I didn't die, so it's all good. The funny thing is that I was sweating buckets because it was so hot (attractive, I know), and the second I got home and inside it started to rain! I would complain, but the fact of the matter is that the whole thing was my own doing. And in hindsight it's hysterical.

There's nothing I'd change about my new place, really. I'm in love.

This is it!

2010-07-30T12:36:00.000-07:00

This is the last post before I move and don't have internet for a couple of days! I've got almost everything packed except my computer (duh) and I've conscripted slave labour for tomorrow in the form of my friends. I even have a van reserved, so it's all set. All I need to do now is make sure I can get a key from my landlady. (Slightly important detail!)

The girls came over for girls' night last night and we had some barbecued chicken fajitas, which were truly divine. Then we took my brother's dogs for a walk and packed and washed dishes and all those boring things, but it's funny how they're not really boring when you're with the right people. It's so much easier to do them when you've got good company, and the girls are about the best company around.

Yesterday and today has been clean, clean, clean for me. My mother has an eye infection and so she's been seeing her doctor and going to special units in the hospital and such to get something done about it, so while she's gone I have to do the stuff I would normally do AND all of her stuff. My brother, on the other hand, normally does nothing and still does nothing. It seems a little unjust, to say the least.

For those who don't know, my brother and I are like oil and water. He's the unemployed high school dropout with a criminal record. I'm the Ph.D student who teaches classes at the university and reads Harry Potter and knits in her spare time.

Somehow, I think I can deal with being his exact opposite.

When I was little (he's 3 years my senior), he used to tell me that our mother loved him more than me. When I was a child, I was naive enough to believe it, and so I grew up hating him. Now I've come to realize that he's jealous of me, even though I'm not entirely sure why. I dislike him for entirely different reasons now, not the least of which is that it's really hard to love someone who refuses to show emotion.

I guess I just thought I'd clean the skeletons out of my closet, since everything else I own has already been packed!

See you in August!

There's nothing like working up a good sweat!

2010-07-27T19:59:00.000-07:00

So I tried out a new gym tonight. My friend has a membership and apparently they have "bring a friend for free" Tuesdays, so I gave it a go. I really enjoyed it, actually, because it's so much more straightforward than a normal gym, since there's someone there to actually explain everything. I'm allowed two more free Tuesdays before I sign up, so we'll see how it goes!

Since I'm moving on Saturday, I've been packing and packing and packing. In fact, I get together once a week with some of my girlfriends for what we call "girls' night" and this week's get-together is them coming over, having dinner with me, and then helping me pack all my crap. Today I got through the clothes, some books, my office supplies and old school binders, and my scanner. It's amazing how many boxes it takes. You really have no idea until you start trying to pack your life into them...

My friend is getting married in October and I'm making her wedding cake, which I'm thoroughly excited about. At least I think I'm making it. I e-mailed her ages ago for the go-ahead and she hasn't answered. I think she thinks that if she asks me to make it, she's inconveniencing me. It's the kind of thing she'd think because she's just so sweet. But at this point, her not answering me is what's inconveniencing me, because if I'm making this cake I need to start ordering supplies ASAP, because what she wants isn't stuff you can buy in a regular cake supplies shop. She's away until Friday, and then back home. Saturday is moving day, but Sunday morning, I'll tell you--I'm going to on her like white on rice. That wedding is most certainly not going to be ruined on my account!

I need my beauty sleep. That workout tuckered me out (in a good way).

Summertime and the livin' is easy...

2010-07-26T20:52:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day. I figured out a bunch of the stuff I'd been stressing out about with regards to my new house, but I also got to spend all evening at my friend's pool with a bunch of her family. It turns out one of her cousins does henna and she decided to do it for anyone who wanted one, so when I've got my arm out of plastic wrap, I'll be sure to take a picture and post it. ;)

I also realized today that I'm an exceptionally good "Canadian". I'm the Canadian that doesn't say rude or descriminatory remarks to other people because I just consider it awful. I'm the one who doesn't instantly stereotype people, most especially out loud. I'm the one who takes her rights as God-given and expects everyone to do what they can to protect both their own rights and those of the people around them.

My friend's boyfriend is not that Canadian. And in a shockingly blatant way.

Maybe I'm just too strict a Canadian, but I feel really unhappy when he calls Christianity a "freakish cult" (even though I'm not religious myself). I feel embarrassed when he hears about a gang-related stabbing and immediately asks if the suspects were Somalian. And I feel flat-out irritated when he's sitting next to his girlfriend at the picnic table, eating his supper, and he asks her to leave her own dinner and go inside to get him a beer. Christians, Somalians and women weren't second-class citizens, last time I checked.

Her boyfriend aside, today was splendid. I even got to try her Grandma's famous meatballs (which, I might add, are most certainly famous for a reason).

On the "to do" list for tomorrow: buy my friend the birthday coffee I promised him...or at least make a date!

I think the word is "packrat"?

2010-07-23T07:18:00.000-07:00

So while we're clearing out this storage locker, I'm finding all sorts of things that my mother has kept for years. Among them? Grocery receipts for small purchases made 7 years ago, the owner's manual for a VCR (yes, a VCR) that we haven't had for years, and one of those hooked rug things that my mother did when she was a teenager but never figured out how to "finish". The worst part of all is that when I looked through my boxes, I started feeling nervous that I was heading down the same road...

I'm moving a week from tomorrow, which is unbelievably exciting, but also a little stressful, because I have to have my affairs in order. A few friends are coming to help move and I've rented a van for Saturday, so it's not like I can just be late. On the plus side, I'm going to get a pretty awesome workout moving, and I get to see some of my friends that I really don't see often enough.

It just hit me last night that I'm leaving Ecko (my cat) behind. My new landlady asked that we not bring pets, which I think is fair, and besides, Ecko's never been away from her sister (my Mom's cat, Bu) and I think it would be mean for me to take her but not her sister. And my landlady would have lots of reasons not to want Bu in her house (including, but not limited to her tendency to relieve herself in random places and stratch/chew/climb everything in sight). So I'll be visiting really, really often to see my baby, because I'm just going to miss her like mad.

I'm into knitting at the moment. It comes and goes, but right now it's on the climb. I'm not entirely sure what I'm knitting, but I just like the calmness you feel when you get into the rhythm of something simple and repetitive for hours at a time and have something pretty to show for it when you're done. It's my de-stresser. I'm knitting something with grey yarn...maybe a scarf? Maybe a dishcloth? Who knows.

My sunburn is still peeling and I've got another pool party tomorrow. The horror! I have a feeling I'll suffer for it afterwards, but it will be so worth it to see everyone.

<3

Regrets

2010-07-21T20:26:00.000-07:00

Today I was going through some boxes from our storage locker and found some things that reminded me of a friend I used to have. In fact, we used to be very best friends for quite a few years. It's amazing how things can change over the course of only months.

A lot of things happened and we drifted apart until I just started feeling like I didn't mean anything to her anymore. I don't know now if it was true or if it was just my insecurities surfacing, but the fact of the matter is that I cut off communication with her and she didn't really seem to notice for a long time. I took that to be a sign that I'd done the right thing.

But when I was going through the boxes today, I came across letters and cards and notes she'd written to me for birthdays, Christmas, and just for the heck of it. And the person who wrote them didn't sound selfish and ungrateful of my love. She sounded deeply affectionate and grateful for our amazing friendship. Maybe we had one and maybe we didn't. And maybe the regret I'm feeling now is over something that was real, or maybe I'm just getting reminiscent about something that only ever existed in my mind.

The fact of the matter is that I miss her, or at least the friendship I thought we used to have. Someone once told me that we rarely regret the things we do, but we often regret the things we don't. I do regret not calling her. I regret not reaching out and just telling her how I felt, instead of totally cutting her off. I regret turning the other way when I'd see her brother at the supermarket because I just didn't want to have to think about her.

It's been about 6 years since I spoke to her. I don't know where she is now, but I know where her family is. If I wanted to reconnect, the only thing I could do is give her mother a call. Maybe I will.

Wales, May-June 2010

2010-07-20T12:54:00.000-07:00

Let's talk about killjoys

2010-07-20T11:53:00.000-07:00

Several members of my family (and some friends) are total killjoys. I'm not sure if I'm just the kind of person who attracts them or something, but I've decided that I really, really dislike them.

Sometimes I'll have a great idea, or I'll start planning a huge project or just plain dream big and then one of my killjoy friends will come along and deflate me. For instance, when I mentioned that I'd like to open a bakery (because for those who don't know me, I'm actually an excellent cook and baker), the reactions I got fell into two categories. There were the really nice ones who know how to be supportive and kind about ideas, like my aunt. She was like, "You'd do SO WELL at that. You've got the skill, the passion--go for it!" Then there were the people like my mother, who was like, "Really? You want to open a business? You know that's really hard, right? And it takes loads of money, and you might do really badly and then lose all your life's savings." Gee, thanks, Mom. I'll just jump right on opening that bakery tomorrow...

What I don't get is why these people who care about you can't just support you. What joy do they derive from deflating you? What kind of favour do they think they're doing you by encouraging you to do nothing but lead a mundane, boring life where you take you risks? Do they think they'll be the cool ones if you fail and they were right? Or do they just think we're not capable of growing and learning and making mistakes on our own?

In any case, it makes you wonder... What would have happened to Michael Jordan if he'd taken the skeptics seriously and decided not to train at basketball? Would we even know who Björk is if she'd listened to everyone who told her she'd never actually get out of Iceland? Where would JK Rowling be if she'd stopped sending her manuscript to publishers after the first 10 rejections?

At the end of the day, I'd rather be more like Michael Jordan, Björk or JKR than like the people who tell me not to go for it. Why should people choose anything less for themselves?

Somewhere I Belong...

2010-07-20T10:03:00.000-07:00

I got so sick and tired of having to back up my blog with WordPress that I just decided to get a Blogspot blog. So far, I'm not regretting it!

This is officially the first post of what I hope will be many. I don't know who is going to read my blog (if anyone), but sometimes you just need to get it out, so here it is. I'll be ranting, rejoicing and reflecting, sometimes all in the same post. Sounds like fun, doesn't it? ;)

Right now, I'm super excited about one thing in particular: I'm moving out of my mother's house. I know that sounds horrible and ungrateful to say, but I'm 26 years old and I've never had the chance to move out until now and I just want to do it. I need my space, I need to grow up, and I need to get away from seeing my family every single day before they just cease to become special to me. At the moment, they're looking less and less special every day, and that's not a good thing (if you ask me).

So I've got this apartment (well, a house, actually) that I'll be renting come August 1st. It's absolutely beautiful and I'm in love. And the location is right on the major bus route in my town, as well as in a nice, quiet neighbourhood. Plus, the landlady is about the coolest you could ask for. I really can't go wrong. I move in on July 31st and have already reserved the van, conscripted moving help (my friends are wonderful) and paid my first month's rent.

In other news, I'm happy as a clown that this heat wave is over! If you'd spoken to me a week ago, I would have told you that I hate my hometown because it was 40-odd degrees all week... Now we've got a comfortable 20-25 degrees every day and I'm just loving it. (PS: We do Celcius here and I have no idea what that is in Fahrenheit.)

Lunch is calling me. <3